#136

The thing about going to the gay bar/event is that unless you aren't gay, or in a monogamous relationship, you are more likely than not out for tail(s). Despite myself belonging to the latter category, I still enjoy my sceneries.

However, what I am starting to notice is that more and more, when I see someone I find attractive, as in drop dead hot in my personal and unique definition, I feel only a mixture of shame and self loath.

How would a person like me ever EVER get with a person like that?

Its not that my type is particularly attractive, but they are definitely somewhat of a niche market. And although called often a pessimist in my circles, I still strongly acknowledge my keen self awareness. It is not delusional to believe even if single, I would never be with him, that guy, or even him. It is also not self fulfilling nor fatalistic, but rather a reality in which I am aware of and silently accept.

My mates think everyone in the bar feels like that, but me think we are just an unfortunately unattractive bunch.

#135

With the weather. And a first submission of the collection. And my parents here, London almost seem bearable ...

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#134

Having kin around has been slightly difficult. Watching dirty socks on dirty floors didn't encourage me to clean the house. And I built a resentment to be assumed the cleaner. But in reality I think he doesn't expect me to clean it but can actually live in such a mess. Only I can't stand it...

Shoes are progressing... slowly and surely.

Had a line up couple of days ago. Felt rubbish about the work but the teachers seemed to like it... so that gave me some confidence. But its confidence that quickly faded as I start thinking maybe they just really realise there is not much I can do to change it...

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#133

Going to mainland China for fabric shopping. On the bus is a gentle reminder of a cultural past.

The lady in front of me picked up her phone, if translated literally, ' why you said you are there when you are.not pretty girl? Fuck your cunt I tried to ring your cunt phone. Your mom. I didn't have anything important to say. I won't cock bother. Your cunt. Did you go back to your hometown? Fucking cunt....'

To be fair she was annoyed and she did tone down afterwards . But it wasn't a fight. It was just a conversation.

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#132

Finally back in London and have arrived with four large cases that encased my collection. I feel so nervous about my collection and unsure how it will be perceived.

I go through even stronger bouts of anger and pride. And having kin here now isn't going to help with his snappy insensitive comments. I will need to resist when holding pins, to use him as a human voodoo doll.

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#131

Been basically slaving away in Macao, sleeping 4 - 5 hours sleep every night. Trying to get the collection done, while simultaneously wanting to destroy it completely.

Despite the tiredness, I am still a jealous person. And hearing Ana getting into the RCA MA program brings the usual mixture of happiness and jealousy that I experience whenever I hear something good happening to someone else.

Its childish, silly, and selfish to think this way and it leads to try and find time in my busy day to google 'I am a jealous person'

#130

Asian parents are so weird. The family on the boat from HK to Macao - If the kid supposedly behaved badly, the father would threaten to throw the misbehaving 5 year old overboard. The kid, not traumatized, would simply respond ,'no please.'

To my delight, soon enough the kid, learned from his father, and threatened to throw him overboard.

#129

On cathay pacific airlines. Business and first class get shoulder and belt straps. There is something wrong with that.

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#128

Need to know the line between being a good friend and being taken advantage from.

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#127

Construction

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#126

Demolition

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#125

When I watch gay porn, I am fascinated by the last 15 seconds of the clips. Like me, after the organism, all the build up to a pointless high has subsided and the job is over for the actors on screen. Their last minutes on set are usually captured and published with the faults of bad editing and filming.

I have seen awkward sets where they walk away from each other as soon as its over, and I have seen passionate kissing, and also non passionate but polite and courtesy kisses.

I suppose its a lot like a one night stand. After the hype is over, we are left with the reality san innate sexual drive and all our fears, doubts, and thoughts are left to disturb us.

#124

Its weird when people tell me to comment on their facebook status when we are on the phone. Its also weird when people tell me to tell them certain information on facebook again, when I just told them in person.

Its like if it didn't happen on facebook, it didn't happen at all.

#123

The tension of 6 weeks before finishing a collection is unbearable. The only thing that might compare is the stress of 5 weeks before the collection is due.

My brain is up in the clouds. I have locked myself out of my flat again. I have wanted to get coke only to be surprised to find some in the fridge when i actually bought it half an hour ago...

Where is my mind?

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#122

The lady that spoke loudly to the waitress behind me in the quiet Japanese restaurant, 'Its terrible what happened to Japan huh? The hurricane is terrible!'

#121

2 days since I have washed myself.

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#120

I have been using lastfm recently to listen to songs in the 90s. Since it recommends similar songs, I got to check out what else I had missed out on. Listening to songs from another decade not only brought back memories, but it explains so much about myself.

All the things that Ana doesn't understand about me seemed so logical in the lyrics of self loathing POP bands and grunge rock. Feeling down about myself.felt like the cool thing to do. Being the underdog and angry all the time felt completely sensible.

This was further reinforced when I re watched one of my favorite teen films of Can't Hardly Wait. The characters were so stereotypical that it somehow single handedly explained so much about growing up in America in the 90s. It explained why I acted like a jerk to my friends sometimes. Why I felt it was okay to be sex obsessed or just plain vulgar.

I wish people I know in Britain knew these reasons so I can not worry about coming off as a douche when its simply a cultural difference.

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#119

Recently we talked about how fashion really changes you for the worst. And I know that it has happened to me. But the scary thing is, I can't remember who I used to be. Because this is still me, but it was like the evil twin that hid in the shadows back in Vancouver days. The only difference now is the kind Steven is stuck in the back of oblivion.

So that is kind of why I can't remember who I used to be. Because these 'evil' thoughts still existed then, but much less prominent. It is hard to notice when the line really switched and how I used to be.

#118

So I tried to enter the ITS #10. And after trying to relax with Dirk's short stay in London, I thought I ran out of time to submit the application.

I was completely angry with myself, not that I really cared about the competition but the fact that fashion just makes me put so much on my plate. CORRECTION: I put so much on my own plate. After this, I just need to focus on my collection. FULL FORCE.

Anyways, I think UPS trumped FEDEX' ass. FEDEX - poor communication, false information, and slow delivery. UPS - can deliver to where I want when I want it.

#117

My toilet got backed up and after using some type of acid to try to clear it, it seems to have opened another portal and now other people's shit is surfacing onto my toilet.

I am talking proper brown water and logs. I know its not my shit cuz I haven't had healthy logs for a while now...

#116

It can happen anywhere:

Not having enough coins for the bus so you would need to go to get cash first, then go to a shop to purchase something in order to break the bill.

It can only happen in London:

I do that with a suitcase. And as I walk out of the store the bus arrives. In London, if they have a red ticket machine by the bus store, you can't buy any tickets from the driver.

My stop had a machine out front so I was scrambling to find the coins I just received. As I try to tell the driver to wait, he leaves the door open and drives off.

I think that was as close a Fuck you as someone can communicate with bus language.

So I ran for the next stop and when I got on, I mouthed ' asshole ' to his face.

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#115

It's always nice but a bit shameful when I eavesdrop on people on buses who are from where I am from.

By that I don't mean Chinese. But things more foreign and rare. For example, the girl behind me is rattling off in shanghainese which is the dialect spoken in shanghai. Most prominent till of late as mandarin takes over the youth.

So its very nice to hear her rattle. To hear her thoughts on people I don't know and to dream up a world in which she exists.

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#114

After shitting water for a weekend and not eating for a week, my stomach finally became flat.

It seems like that's the type of endurance required to achieve such monumental task. My stomach hasn't been flat since the late 80s. Needless to say, my body started to have an enormous appetite this week, shocked and worried about the possibility of a famine coming.

So I am comfortably back with my food baby.

#113

Radioactive yellow urine.

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#112

Being completely pale and tried to leave the house for a birthday dinner on sat. Only to find myself passed out in bed. Next thing I know it was 10 am the next day.

I feel better but all I had the entire weekend was a bowl of congee. So I finally headed for a bit of solids. It's weird to eat again.

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#111

So I ended up staying awake for 60 hours with 2 hours of sleep in-between. Unfortunately it seems that the consequence of such dramatic work ethics is waking up from a nightmare about cutting fabric in the middle of the night and shitting can worth of water out of your ass.

This happened in intervals for the rest of the night. By noon I shat at least 8 times and am drinking to keep myself from dehydration.

I hope it ends soon.

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#110

I.slept 2 hours last night. And before that I didn't sleep for 40+ hours. I can feel.my.insides.

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#109

Doing fashion, this world, I am constantly reminded that looks will always trump my so call charm.

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#108

So what do u do if you forget to.buy toilet paper? You see it in a restaurant toilet and steal one.

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#107

Have just landed back into London. Either it was the extreme reluctance to be back at the school/ line up critique and showing off the awful garments I have or just the plain fact of not wanting to part ways with mom, I suddenly grew very oddly ill a couple of hours before going to the airport.

My stomach was tying into knots. Yet I couldn't poop. I felt slightly dizzy and I knew my head hurt like I had a fever.

The pain got much worst on the plane.

Trying to catch up on my sleep. I forced myself rid of.the remote control on the plane and.slept for the first 7 hour s straight. The next 5 hours were hell.

I have almost never gotten plane sick but I felt so dizzy trying to go back to bed. The chair felt like a plank of wood on my butt where there's the least meat. I kept waking up every 5 mins because of the pain.

I thought I had to ask for assistance at.one point. Then I told myself to snap out of it.

Well here I am.on the cab home with a hollowing headache everytime the cab bounces or stops abruptly.

Glad to be back.

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#106

From the last post I suppose it seems like I have lifted off and charted away from my usual insanity in London to elsewhere.

The lack of mobile internet has reduced my blogging significantly, but also because of the 14 hours minimum work days I have been putting in on my collection.

My mind boggles and rejects everything my hands touch. I loath and hate everything I made and then I hate myself for not ever been satisfied. I question if I have taste at all since I seem to hate everything I am doing. I get some good days, but they only help to further to solidify the fact that I am actually insane.

I definitely need a break, but do not see one coming anytime soon. So I will have to make one.

#105

Cuz I never can tell when to chew or swallow...

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#104

So I have never been good at being happy for someone else's success. And I am discovering I grow bitter and jealous inside even when my friends are blessed in ways that does that relate to me.

I often try to be a good person. But much of that is due to a fear of karma retribution. And I see Ana who can be nice and.mean. and I watch the world sail her way.

I often wonder if its my true internal self that is ultra jealous that is being judged and therefore I don't get as much opportunities?

Whereas other times I.think its because I am too nice and I have a sense of self.martyr tendency that brings me shit.

Then other times I think I am so busy being jealous I don't focus on myself...

And all these theories have been proven and I guess encouragements from your loved ones make little improvements because they love you.

I know I should be content and grow a set. But I m not sure if that just means stop caring and thinking so much about this bullshit.

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#103

So someone from school confessed to me how overwhelming the final project gets, and she took 4 kalms yesterday... Not knowing what Kalms is, I discover that it is actually, as the brand name so wit-fully indicate, 'calms you down'.

So I tried one dose today, and I have to say that it worked. Of course its mild, and I know it is probably psychological, but everytime I think about the pills, for some reason, it gave me a reason to stay calm.

Maybe because I now not only know, but is proven, that my state of mind is only a few synapses away from stress to relaxed, and if calmness can come in a box, I can just as easily relax my mind myself.

#102

There's about 100 unique chicken stores in London that imitates my beloved KFC.

Clearly have an obsession with fried chicken...

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#101

Being a socially awkward internet nerd, I find myself completely retarded when going to the pub with people from school. I have no idea what to talk about and often feel embarrassed when talking about myself.

For one thing, we never talk much about ourselves, and when you do, you can see them reserving their true opinions to themselves. So you start thinking what they might be thinking, and get incredibly self conscious. Then worst yet, when they start talking about themselves, which is most of them (especially given the nature of the first explanation I have just provided) I just find myself thinking they are self obsessed arty students...

I know that the problem is me, and I am sure most of them are lovely. I guess I just need to realize that I have more of a problem with the social setting than the people..........

#100

'At Starbucks:

Barista: one caramel macchiato, anything else?

Me: yes I would like to use the washroom. Do you need to open the door?

Barista : no but if someone is in there you would have to wait a second.

Me: (silent)

Barista : maybe 2...

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#99

So the government sent students an online survey to see how they enjoyed their collage experience. At the same time graduating students are selected for an interview about the course. Flawed, the students were selected through the tutor himself, so he can choose whoever the fuck he wants.

So I had to make the online survey really count.

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#98

I have been looking at other people's blog through blogger, trying to read and comment so I can create some online connections through mutual interest in talking about yourself.

But the only thing I notice between all the blogs is that they all have been stopped. I guess like writing in a diary 'Dear Diary, I know I haven't written in months, but I promise I will start writing again...'

We all stop writing to no one on the internet. I hope I can manage.

#97

After much thinking about how music feels like it has lost the effect to change our lives these days, I was reminded of this when I rediscovered one of my old time favourites: Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band.

I thought about sending this to my good friend who studies with me in London. However, she is 21 and I strongly believe she has A.D.D. as I never witness her listen to a complete song with out doing something else.

The lyrics would scare her too. The intensity of the lyrics and its touch near crazy emphasizes the strength in desire and lust. And maybe I am just a drama queen, but it has been the perfect way to describe my virgin teenage lust a decade ago. But now days, after being in London and learning more about what is supposedly 'normal' people, it seems like not everyone appreciate bare soul exposing acts. And any indication of extreme feeling might appear to be 'odd'.

#96

If I don't write about the stupidity that I see each day, maybe I will look back in ignorance and delight.

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#95

I hate how all my girlfriends have their period around the same time. I believe in male pms and I am now synced with the girls.

Today I have been anxious, depressed, paranoid, self conscious, self loathing, and angry at the rest of the world. But I don't know if this is because my trouser toile sucked, or whether this is indeed a pms - related symptom and will be cured from time.

#94

Chicken theft prevention.

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#93

London is one of those places where you can order something, and wait past the number of days it is suppose to take to deliver to you and call them only to find out they apparently already tried to deliver it a couple of days ago.

And then you reschedule for a delivery which has a 12 hour window of 7 am - 7pm. And you wait past 7 pm to discover that they actually work till 9.30 pm latest for some delayed deliveries. So you continue to wait until 9.30 pass, and you are package-less, with the driver making a note on your file that they had attempted to deliver it already and I wasn't there.

Today is a day where I hate London more than usual.

#92

Romantic Movement

Seeing how its Valentines, I just picked up the fiction novel from Alain de Botton, about the only man on earth who knows how to calm me down. I just absolutely love the book because it is a love story told between a girl and a guy's perspective. Although (as love is) much of it can be a bit of a cliche in terms of characters, it is slotted with amazing philosophical insights... Which makes for the flexibility between a easy casual read or a thought provoking activity.

#91

Sundays are funny. Especially when all of us know the daunting weeks that are to come. Yet the four of us cling onto each other for dear life. Hoping that we can just somehow prolong each other's mini vacation.

I came home stressed about how little I accomplished today.

#90

Another drunken night and I finally tried some sad shit grade coke. It did nothing and beyond anything left me wondering what it really does.

Worst Ana s brother came into London from Cambridge for a concert. And is now stranded. The booze and fags did not help. Nor did Ana s spaz. Fair as I did tease her brother will be fine. But now he's lost in London.

Must be incoherent now. But definitely worth documenting this party in the warehouse of a resident.

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#89

The sleep schedule of the past few days were:

3 hours, 4 hours, 6 hours, 1 hour, 8 hours, 0 hours

and now I am completely exhausted and am well prepare to sleep... but am just waiting for my hair to dry while I can literally feel my insides fold up out of tiredness

#88

Be prepared to celebrate mistress day!

#87

Have been discovering and confirming that when people meet me, they usually tend to dislike me at first. And then I turn them around slowly....

I guess one reason is because I am a bit full-on....

So I am sitting on my hands tonight and not calling anyone I know out of loneliness.

#86

Waking up late is such a bad feeling. The mixture and rush of self loath, regret, anxiety, and panic drives me nuts.

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#85

The extent of evil from my brain surpass and surprise even myself. When I tried to call Dirk and he didn't pick up.

My paranoid worry rat self would get thoughts like,' Oh no, maybe he had an heart attack."

And then suddenly out of nowhere I guess my evil / stressed self would think ,'Oh, maybe then I can have a reason why my work sucks... so I can give a sob story to my teachers...'

#84

When at a Korean house birthday party, you have to either :

1. Prepared to get completely drunk to.enjoy yourself

Or

2. Leave early

I left early.

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#83

Bring so overwhelmed, I called dirk while he was on the plane.

I said to him I was so over the edge that I am actually being kind to all the fabric assholes in shepherds bush. I even had a conversation with one of.them. I must be.over.compensating for my near.manic state.

I joke, " its like I am smiling and bring kind and I would go home and take a gun to take.myself.out."

Dirk s response, " I am getting the look on the plane hon. Will text u when I land. Love you"

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#82

Sitting next to pigeon poo and a take away bag of McDonald's for lunch. I contemplated how I spaz out at dirk and made it one of the worst leaving days we have had.

Walking him off to Liverpool station for his train to Holland, I held his hand despite the bad feeling between us. And I didn't want him to go. Because I feel that he has a string tied to me. And as he left he is pulling away that string that is keeping me together.

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#82

I know how this will make me sound like a hypochondriac, but I am convinced there is something wrong with my heart.

Every night I stay up pass 5am my heart starts hurting. I know others would think that considering I sleep when people are getting up, I had it coming. But I know I am just slow at school and I do need a magical hourglass to stop time.. or extra arms would be nice....

Anyways, after some much searching online, I have found that apparently , lack of sleep hardens the blood vessels in the heart, leading to strokes and heart attacks.

Having read.that I am still too reckless and have slept 4 hours last night and am determined to stay pass 5 am tonight... I worry my boyfriend with wake to find me dead on the pattern table, head flat and slammed against the wooden table. But oddly my heart didn't hurt today... as if its plotting....

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#81

Paranoid about dots and spots and lines on my body, I went to a dermatologist today.

After the initial how old are you? what do you do? (26, fashion design student)... the nursed checked over my concerns.

She used a futuristic magnifying device to look and measure all my moles, even the one on my toe, which I was impressed by the fact she dared to touch someone else's toe at 9am in the morning.

Then she told me to get completely undressed so she can check moles on the rest of my body to compare... and she said she wasn't joking...

So off I was in my underwear, and she asked, 'so who's your favourite designer?'

#80

It's always weird to go home after staying at a friends. There is a sense of quiet and loneliness in the atmosphere.

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#79

After realizing how unfit I am, I can only imagine how little a movement it must be when my boyfriend and I have sex. It will probably look as exciting as turtles doing it.

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#78

So my gym arms hurt like hell... in fact I looked like a spaz the whole day when I try to zip up my jacket because I cannot lift my arm above 90 degree from my body.

So when I have to scratch my face or put my phone to my ear, I have to push my one arm with my other arm like so:

#77

Wondering if its wrong to not be sad that my bf is gone because I can finally sleep in my own bed again.

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#76

Going to the gym yesterday with the trainer for the first time meant rendering my arms useless for the next day.

I was so weak when we started and he asked me to do a push up, we quickly had to move onto girl knee push ups. In front.of all the fun people of course.

And I couldn't do more than 1 set. He had to take it so easy on me as I explained by semi valid heart condition. But either way, by the end of it, I couldn't lift my arm for a drink.

I have never experienced such weakness in my body. And I even told my trainer that I was so embarassed.

But the funny thing is, because we had to rest so much, I got to hear all his stories: ones where he had a nose like a vacuum, or getting completely wasted with Kate Moss. I felt like an accountant next to him. And I am the design student.

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#75

One difficult thing I find to talk about with my friends is sex. My friends are amazingly almost all (living) 22-27 year old near virgins or virgins.

It's not that they are deformed or down ( as in syndrome ). Rather its an unfortunate mix of Christians, Koreans, and emotionally unavailable people.

Anyways that said now that my boyfriend is mad cuz he found out I took care of myself.... sigh it doesn't even seem important enough to document anymore. Nor it seems like I will resolve this through a senseless babble.

I guess the point of the post has become : I have virgin boring friends.

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#74

Another situation I don't know how I get myself into is when I am helping a friend, some kind of terribly awkward situation always arrive between us. Maybe its because they are picky or I am a bad helper, but somehow I tend to fall short of expectations.

Like last night when I was suppose to help Ana with her RCA MA application. Instead of helping her during the night like I agreed to, I thought I would help her while we were at school so we didn't have to go to her house, which was really far away. I helped her cut fabrics at school but Jihye was to be the sewing lady of the day. Now I had nothing left to do and I thought I could be done early today. Since Dirk's daughter was leaving soon, I thought it was a good time to go to the arcade that night. But I guess it was my stupidity to mention that in front of Ana because to her I basically dropped out of the evening.

To which I told her it looks like the garment will be done soon. So I won't need to go to yours. Now I don't know how finished was the garment when she left at 6. But I started feeling bad and I offered to come. And this is where the issue always happen. I start feeling guilty, and I offer to help again or to do something else that takes time and energy. And the person getting help will start feeling like they have a right to be angry. And they do.

She ignored my calls for the rest of the evening. And somehow, even though I helped her during the afternoon, I still feel guilty and I know if we were to look back, it would somehow be my fault.

#73

I didn't know this before, but I Fucking hate it when a stranger asks a question to a group of people didn't hear him. And I am stupid/kind enough to answer. And they ignore me.

I did that today. Worst yet, I thought he didn't hear me, so I paused and told him again. Which was ignored again. Then I waited, overwhelmed by confusion. Once I caught his eyes I answered again. Which by that time he ignored while staring right at my face.

I don't understand why people are like that. Do I look diseased? If they can ask another stranger a question, what is wrong with answering to mine? Motherfucker. Am a bit sleep deprived today.

And my heart started hurting a little.. I guess after my outburst it explains my heart.. but fuckers..

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#72

So when my teacher.told me that the project is good. It has potential, more than he thought. Instead of taking that as a compliment, my thinking is:

How little did you think of the project? And instead it made me question everything we have ever talked about slightly..

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#71

In Japan, or at least Nippon vogue, Fergie is known as Fargie.

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#70

Definitely have a thing for men with blonde beard, and ass chins.

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#69

Because when I was growing up I was such a planner. I guess I was the hardcore Asian that was too motivated to get somewhere without knowing where.

So here I am designing for my life, and kinda figuring I might not love design so much afterall. But I do feel like I had made such strong tracks in my life that it will take a lot of effort and courage to try and step outta the grove.

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#68

I believe there is such a thing as the Sunday sickness and I have it as proof.

To describe Sunday sickness, one.would feel slightly depressed, anxious about the week to come, and question their purpose. Though there is time for pleasure, much of the pleasure has been sucked out of you. As the evening arrives, a sense of doom descends in sync with the ticking clock.

Usually by 10 ish one would either find peace through blabbing with friends, posting a wishful thinking disguised as an ad on Craigslist, or go to bed early. For Monday morning will be the next thing we see.

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#67

My seat on the bus smells like booze. But its better than the smell of urine yesterday.

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#66

When I imagine how my partner's daughter will describe me during her visit to London, I imagine it will go down something like this:

'He worked the whole time I was there, there has not been a time really where I didn't see him working.'

And although some might feel proud of being a workaholic, or dedicated to their studies, even I think the person she is talking to should say something like,

'Wow, he must not be very talented then...'

#65

When I look back on the last 6 years. I am almost in awe of all the things I have learned, especially post-London.

It makes me grateful that I got to learn about the world and others so well so soon. But I do wonder how this experience will distill and manifest into my 30s. And I hope this somewhat brutal and hard experience will be worth it.

Because I look at others, and I meet people in their 30s. And I am sure they go through maybe something similar, but I don't find them particularly enlightened. And maybe I think we can go through life without digesting our experience. And if we don't stop to take a break and look back in this stupid race, we will forget where we came from.

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#64

Of course my partner has to be obviously the most weirdly perverted guy I would know. With his fascination in sex while others are in and my definite hatred of it, we might not come respond similarly when we have guest staying over the night.

But the fact it is his daughter sleeping next door didn't stop the fucker. Well at least he wasn't a fucker that night.

#63

When my boyfriend's daughter is here, I can't help but feel:

1. Completely invaded and uncomfortable in my own home
2. Neurotic as I discover how many things I like 'my way.'

Since I tend to work late in the living room, there was no way I can ask Theresa to sleep in the couch next to me while I Skype, Blog, or watch dumb videos like Community Channel on YouTube. So instead, I am banned from my own bed for the time being...

That said, my neurotic side became more apparent as the day goes on. Since the girl is preggers, she had morning sickness all day and night. She vomited on the plane and on the train to get here. So needless to say, I didn't hug her. And I wasn't particularly thrilled when I saw her lying in bed already, without a shower after 48 hours.

Then there's the discovery that I actually like school, and somehow I have this internal urge to leave the house when she is awake. And suddenly the place I have avoided like the plague for the last 3 years has become a safe haven for me.

At least I get nights like these where I can finally type on a keyboard instead of the keypad on my mobile to blog, vent, and be.

I guess sleeping on the couch has its own advantages.

#62

Dirk and Ana sits talking, explaining about his daughter and Ana Oo-ING and ah-ING over things I would just roll my eyes at.

I think in the mood of stress, I am a cold-blooded bitch.

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#61

Dirk came from Holland since Wednesday. It was really nice to see him. But he has paid for his daughter's ticket to from to London to visit us from Vancouver. At such a critical year, I have to say I am a bit manic, selfish, and pretty much just vicious.

As Evon has said, after this year, her boyfriend would have seen the worst side of her. Unfortunately for Dirk, he sees the worst side of me on a regular basis. Today was no exception. Needless to say, fight fight fight. Nothing they say seems right, and I would feel everything they are saying is inconsiderate - hence my insane blow outs that has made people twice my size cry before...

The only note-worthy thing is that usually I find ways to think how he is so wrong. But this time, I know its mainly me that is the problem. School and stress really changed me. And man its ugly...

Even as I am acting this way, I can envision someone acting like this will not result in a happy outcome for their work. But like a strike to the knee, it must kick all my close ones in the face.

I need to reset my brain and carry that mind to the next day.

#60

Sometimes when I talk to someone I find to be really attractive, or I know is very attractive conventionally, I start thinking of all the terrible things they can see on my face.

The moon crater scars from impulsive destructions on teenage acne, the neglected over dried flakey lips, the little tiny eyebrow hair poorly hidden behind the ridge of my glasses, and the tiny irregular sprinkles of boy man hair growing around my face.

And recently, a new addition, a large pimple on the edge of my nostril. I first thought I had pain in my gums. But as it turn out, it was a super pimple placed in the utmost impossible place to squeeze.

So as always, I avoid beautiful people, or at least not ever look at their gaze when we are talking.

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#59

So following my little adventure with Mr.AS (really his acronym), this was how it all ended on Skype:

Me: that was a big waste of time...

Him: yes it was.. I waited for you.. It make me feel you are not real.. You don't want to send a pick and when I call you, you claim to be with friends elsewhere

Him: Thank You for nothing and it was nice knowing you

Me: no... i texted you. you don't even respond nor pick up the call.

Me: I was at the starbucks at 5.15

Me: and i ring you and texted but you didnt respond until an hour and a half later

Me: did you assume I would just wait there for an hour?

Me: plus you (or the one you claim to be you in the pic) was clearly not in either of the

Starbucks I went to, so I believe you are just socially retarded creep who knows how to send others pictures... seriously people like you make the internet creepy.

Him: thank You and good to know.. maybe you are the socially retarded one since you can't send your pic

Me: haha I didnt have a problem sending a pic, you never asked for one when I came back to london. And I tried last night but the internet crapped out. At least I showed up where we agreed to. And I wouldn't call someone and just hang up...

Me: why don't you just call and breath heavily? maybe that would be less weird

I guess I can be pretty aggressive/bitchy if needed.

#58

As I have such an affinity for meeting new people, I found someone on Craigslist that was apparently from Chicago and was relocated to London for 6 months. He did say he was looking for a friend to go travel with so he can split the costs of the hotel and keep it low... which wasn't something I was prepared to do but messaged anyways...

The first suspicious thing was that he was looking in M4M (Men for Men) section. Which is littered with penises and abbreviations for words only an internet gay would know such as - bottom, dominating, dominated, submissive, black, asian, good-looking, very good-looking, no string attached, and one night stand.

The second suspicious thing was he was never all that talkative on Skype. Much similar to the days when I used hang in chat rooms and converse with socially awkward geeks. He supposedly worked at Canary Wharf and lived there as well. He also wrote poor sentences like ,'Hi, what are you?' and response in '???' when I write 'I am a human.'

Seeing the above conversation as an example of how well we conversed, we hardly knew each other. But it turned out he went to Italy a lot for work and one day out of the blue, he asked me if I wanted to go Italy. There were so many reasons to say no I didn't know which to tell him. But I stuck with,' I haven't even met you! You wouldn't want to go on a trip without knowing that person at all! What if I am a completely crazy person?' (meaning what if he was a completely crazy person, which he soon showed he was...)

So yesterday he asked to meet for coffee today at 5.15pm. Apparently he had to do an interview at the Starbucks on Wardour St., which was in Soho, the gay area. (Which my gay friend later told me that it would be impossible it was an interview, rather it was clearly a date. 'Come on, an interview at Starbucks? In Soho? Its a date,' he said.)

He sent me a pic that night, indicating him wanting a pic of me. Though I am hesitant on sending pictures online (a mixture of self insecurities and closet heydays) I started looking for a picture to send before my internet crashed. I sent him a text explaining my internet and told him I would see him tomorrow to which he said okay.

5.15 rolls around and I messaged him to see if his interview was finished. Which he didn't respond to. Now I hate to walk into a Starbucks and look for a stranger, so when I got there I hesitated at the front and rang him. To which there was no response. I then realized there were two Starbucks on Wardour St. so I thought I better head on in and waste no time. I went in, and in the manner least obvious as possible, scanned the room. No one.

I quickly left and went for the 2nd Starbucks. I went in and the first thing I noticed was a scary looking old man sitting by himself. Now the place was full, but he stood out to me for some reason. I lined up and I scanned this slightly bigger room this time. Still unable to shake the weird old man in my mind, I rang the guy, spy style without having the phone to my ear. Paying close attention to who might pick up. No one.

I got my coffee and left, joining my friends at yet another Starbucks to explain this epic failure. After an hour, I got a text from him telling me he was sorry he didn't know there were 2 Starbucks and asked where I was. I wrote to him that I was with my friends now, and I asked where he was. But before I even sent the message he rang me. When I picked up, he hung up. Guess I had my own strategy played back on me. Only he couldn't have seen who I was since he was not at the right Starbucks. He didn't respond, and after an hour I sent him another message, asking if we are still meeting. No response.

The real fun begins when I saw him on Skype after I went home and had a quick but powerful conversation with him... Which I will write out after... need to do work...

#57

When I just brushed my chin, a piece of chopped carrot fell from my face.

I had no idea where it came from.

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#56

So a couple nights ago I realized I can see into my neighbors living room downstairs from my bedroom window.

It was quite sweet, the gay couple with their red wine and movie. But didn't get to see much more... and judging from the last few nights. They don't often sit there.

I think my voyeuristic tendencies are heightened after moving into the city, no longer barred in individual houses back in Canada.

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#55

The only redeeming factor of the near hell experience that is the tube in London is the occasional poems and artworks scattered around the underground tunnels. (So not easy to take a picture above a girl without her thinking I am completely infatuated in love with her...) Much like this one:

Loving the Rituals

Loving the rituals that keep men close,

Nature created means for friends apart:

pen, paper, ink, the alphabet,

signs for the distant and disconsolate heart

Palladas (4th Century)

And I guess that really explained why I write here into the void. As I feel somewhat isolated (as we all do in big cities that swallow us whole), I suppose my disconsolate heart yearn to relate to something, to express the dark corners of our minds. And in this case it is to everyone, but really no one at all.

#54

Growing up, I used to live by my music. Since I never spoke much and when I did it was always a messy mumble, I truly believed my taste in music defined who I was. And it was so important to me. But somehow now everyone is listening to electric-y, dance-y, sensual ish things... I mean I do like some of it, but I feel like no one treats music as life changing tools anymore... Lyrics have definitely taken a backseat these days and I remembered I used to have stupid rules like 'No matter how much the song sucks, if the lyric is good, its a good song to me.'

Music definitely changed my childhood life. Now I listened back to some of my old favourites and they still get me going like I was 15. And that's the magic of music.

#53

When I was snapping up these lining up images in Asia, I also noticed the luggage Louis Vuitton ads paying homage to its gay market:

Excuse the reflective glare but I believe it says the trunks owner's initial is G.W.M.

(the standard Acronym for Gay White Male)

Guess they know their market a little more than I thought...

#52

When I was in Hong Kong I noticed this little phenomenon - lining up for name brand shops...

So I guess Chanel is in...

And Louis Vuitton is actually out...

And as always, Gucci is the winner with people lining around corners...

Gotta love Asian blind consumerism

#51

Without wanting to sound pathetic, I was eating lunch alone again and across from me was another guy on his own. I can tell he was from America from the accent he ordered his lunch with.

I decided that as I can send random emails to strangers on Craigslist, I most certainly can speak to a stranger across the table. Plus I wasn't attracted to him so I knew u can talk slightly with ease.

So it starts, " Excuse me. Are you from the states?"

....

He works in the music record industry and was easy to talk to. We talked for a good while and we definitely had enough common grounds to stomp on. But I got antsy and was thinking I needed to get to school before the library closes. So with my awkward mumble I asked for the bill.

As we were bout to part ways in front of the Chinese noodles shop. I wondered if I should be offering Facebook, mobile, email, blog, Twitter (if I had one). But I decided to leave things as it is. Shake hands and in the usual awkward manner, say, 'see you around.'

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#50

Saw Blue Valentine today...

And the movie was fairly average. I understand its not a main stream movie, but I think I was just a little uncomfortable with the filmography. Everything is shot quite close range, and although it was pretty, it made the film slightly static.

But the one important thing is... it reminded me of a time when I was single. It reminded me that idea of believing you can meet someone, and its like you already know them. You believe everything you are thinking. Like if you make this type of a rude joke, they can one up you instead of take offence. If you are feeling depressed, they will just know what to say....

And somehow I think I still have that faith in people, and its somewhat naive. Worst yet is that because I am in a relationship, this belief make me think there are other people out there I will instantly click with. And I think I kind of have to accept that it is a fantasy. I love my partner dearly, and he is great to me. I just keep thinking I can find better under this imagination.

#49

Ever since I had my hair permed I washed it less often because I didn't want to wash the curls out. I really don't know if that is even logical but it sounds right to me. And also my hair became quite dry after the perm, I thought I let it oil itself a bit...

None of these reasons sound logical, but I guess ultimately I am just lazy.

So when I am talking to someone and I spot a fly near me, my immediate thought would be that the fly has smelled my hair. And they are here for dinner. Worst yet, they come and they would land on me, and me and the person I am talking to would see this and we would laugh and shoo the fly away. But it must be my hair... why else do they come to me not them?

#48

So this is a toilet in Soho, London. And I suspect it must be a popular place for some homoerotic action....

... as indicated by the clear signage of the big red cross on the words 'inappropriate behaviour'. In Canada public sex has never been so indirectly banned...

#47

Everytime someone says the term minger (a British slang for an extremely unattractive person), I feel that they are a bit hesitant to say that in front of me, even if its not directed at me...

It is like you wouldn't make fun of Chinese when you have a Chinese standing in front of you ... right?

#46

I have finally planned to join the gym again. And am really happy to find a Fitness First that is 24 hours near my flat. Hence a trial at 2.30 am tonight.

But I don't know why, every time after a work-out I get even more food cravings than I would otherwise...

And my left leg fell asleep as I was on the treadmill after 30 minutes, is that even fucking possible?!?!

My leg fell asleep while I was running..........

#45

So I just found out last night I can see a frosted glass window that is in fact someone's bathroom.

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#44

I visit Apple's site everyday hoping to see the new MacBook Pro.

#43

When I get homesick, I would Google Map Street View places I used to go frequently in Vancouver:

my old elementary school

my old home

my old coffeeshop

I guess its obvious, but I felt it was necessary to put the term 'old' in front of every description. But now I wonder, what is my new coffeeshop? Where is my new home? And unfortunately, it not the place I am staying in now...

#42

When my mom bought tickets to the House of Dancing Water for new years eve in Macao, I had no expectations of it. I had not YouTube or Google it at all.

I was so impressed by the show despite feeling feverish and nauseous. The stage that transforms effortlessly from floor to deep deep pools amazed me.

I constantly cringed when I watch the performers dive from 10 stories tall platforms into a pool that was solid metal only minutes ago.

One of the most memorable scene for me was when the fog machine went on, covering the entire stage in smoke. And out of the blue, as if a giant had a rain shower head in his bathroom turned on, the smoke was hit by gallons of rain. The impact of the water hit the smoke, causing a visible whirlwind that otherwise would have been invisible to the eyes.

I cried a bit when I saw that.

Needless to say, seeing men in leather and swinging together was stimulating as well...

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#41

When I was a little boy I used to admire taxi drivers. They had my dream job: they got to work late and not have to be forced to bed, they get to drive around in the mystery of the night, and they just sat all day in their work.

I have always thought I wanted a easy care free job. Somehow, I lost sight of that when I went to Business school and during that haze, I thought fashion seemed delightful and fun. So I somehow decided to move countries and study fashion.

I can't believe how serious and competitive it all really is.

As I sit here stressed about my final collection with developed acid reflux and heart problems. I know I contribute to the stress too. If I don't let it get to me, if I don't take it that seriously, than I am fine. But somehow it not that easy to say that. When you are in it you want to do well, but my gemini personality of wanting a care free job keeps interrupting

- rendering me typing a blog while stressing out about not working.

#40

Another good thing when eating on your own is when they put you on the same table with others and you can hear everything about them.

This time for example I was next to was a Chinese girl and British guy table. And she, like me is from Canada but from Hong Kong. I wanted so much to scream introductions and relate but I knew deep down there is nothing similar between us and I was just being fooled by me desperately wanting to relate.

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#39

One nice thing about eating out on your own is easily squeeze your way through a queue in a popular Japanese udon restaurant.

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#38

On the train ride 'home' from a complete shut off in Holland with Dirk. Was nice until I lost my house keys and my paranoid insurance obsessed landlord declares that we must get a new lock and it will cost £180 to fix. Course I have to go down to Canary Wharf to pick up the keys myself.

With my huge suitcase I made my way out to the train station. And late because I had to talk to the landlord and take a shit, which felt disturbingly similar, I started running with a 37kg suitcase while wearing 10 kg worth of clothing.

I was gonna make it. But my heart started really hurting and I couldn't push myself anymore. I couldn't push the suitcase either. My forehead was drenched as I was sweating uncontrollably and I just started to take all my jackets off (2) scarf (1) gloves (1) sweater(1 of 2). And sat on the curb.

With my eyes on the train station and knowing I have missed the train that will lead to me missing my London train which will cost more problems for me to pick up the new keys, I thought this could mean two thing:

1. That my lack of new year resolution has angered a higher being and it is forcing me to see all that is wrong in my life (tardiness, disorganized, tried to do too much at once, and of course being very unfit.) And make me build some new resolutions.

Or

2. 2011 is meant to be a bad year in Chinese for people who are born in the year of the rats. Which is me and that this is just a little hint on what my life will be in the upcoming year.

Course I don't know which one it really is. But i will be thinking about finding a gym and truly try to take it easier this year.

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#37

So I write random responses to people on Craigslist:

Head and more... - 48 (kowloon hotel)

---

Date: 2010-12-26, 6:08PM HKT

---

Looking for men to cum to the hotel for head, give and getr, prefer huge and uncut buit all big dick is welcome, married bi and str8 to the front... Love 69 very oral and told i give great head.. prefer top but bottom on occassion.. NO ASian... YOU MUST HAVE A PIC TO SEND!! be nearby, looking for now!!

So I wrote back:

'you sound like a spaz on your ad'