#121

2 days since I have washed myself.

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#120

I have been using lastfm recently to listen to songs in the 90s. Since it recommends similar songs, I got to check out what else I had missed out on. Listening to songs from another decade not only brought back memories, but it explains so much about myself.

All the things that Ana doesn't understand about me seemed so logical in the lyrics of self loathing POP bands and grunge rock. Feeling down about myself.felt like the cool thing to do. Being the underdog and angry all the time felt completely sensible.

This was further reinforced when I re watched one of my favorite teen films of Can't Hardly Wait. The characters were so stereotypical that it somehow single handedly explained so much about growing up in America in the 90s. It explained why I acted like a jerk to my friends sometimes. Why I felt it was okay to be sex obsessed or just plain vulgar.

I wish people I know in Britain knew these reasons so I can not worry about coming off as a douche when its simply a cultural difference.

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#119

Recently we talked about how fashion really changes you for the worst. And I know that it has happened to me. But the scary thing is, I can't remember who I used to be. Because this is still me, but it was like the evil twin that hid in the shadows back in Vancouver days. The only difference now is the kind Steven is stuck in the back of oblivion.

So that is kind of why I can't remember who I used to be. Because these 'evil' thoughts still existed then, but much less prominent. It is hard to notice when the line really switched and how I used to be.

#118

So I tried to enter the ITS #10. And after trying to relax with Dirk's short stay in London, I thought I ran out of time to submit the application.

I was completely angry with myself, not that I really cared about the competition but the fact that fashion just makes me put so much on my plate. CORRECTION: I put so much on my own plate. After this, I just need to focus on my collection. FULL FORCE.

Anyways, I think UPS trumped FEDEX' ass. FEDEX - poor communication, false information, and slow delivery. UPS - can deliver to where I want when I want it.

#117

My toilet got backed up and after using some type of acid to try to clear it, it seems to have opened another portal and now other people's shit is surfacing onto my toilet.

I am talking proper brown water and logs. I know its not my shit cuz I haven't had healthy logs for a while now...

#116

It can happen anywhere:

Not having enough coins for the bus so you would need to go to get cash first, then go to a shop to purchase something in order to break the bill.

It can only happen in London:

I do that with a suitcase. And as I walk out of the store the bus arrives. In London, if they have a red ticket machine by the bus store, you can't buy any tickets from the driver.

My stop had a machine out front so I was scrambling to find the coins I just received. As I try to tell the driver to wait, he leaves the door open and drives off.

I think that was as close a Fuck you as someone can communicate with bus language.

So I ran for the next stop and when I got on, I mouthed ' asshole ' to his face.

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#115

It's always nice but a bit shameful when I eavesdrop on people on buses who are from where I am from.

By that I don't mean Chinese. But things more foreign and rare. For example, the girl behind me is rattling off in shanghainese which is the dialect spoken in shanghai. Most prominent till of late as mandarin takes over the youth.

So its very nice to hear her rattle. To hear her thoughts on people I don't know and to dream up a world in which she exists.

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#114

After shitting water for a weekend and not eating for a week, my stomach finally became flat.

It seems like that's the type of endurance required to achieve such monumental task. My stomach hasn't been flat since the late 80s. Needless to say, my body started to have an enormous appetite this week, shocked and worried about the possibility of a famine coming.

So I am comfortably back with my food baby.

#113

Radioactive yellow urine.

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#112

Being completely pale and tried to leave the house for a birthday dinner on sat. Only to find myself passed out in bed. Next thing I know it was 10 am the next day.

I feel better but all I had the entire weekend was a bowl of congee. So I finally headed for a bit of solids. It's weird to eat again.

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#111

So I ended up staying awake for 60 hours with 2 hours of sleep in-between. Unfortunately it seems that the consequence of such dramatic work ethics is waking up from a nightmare about cutting fabric in the middle of the night and shitting can worth of water out of your ass.

This happened in intervals for the rest of the night. By noon I shat at least 8 times and am drinking to keep myself from dehydration.

I hope it ends soon.

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#110

I.slept 2 hours last night. And before that I didn't sleep for 40+ hours. I can feel.my.insides.

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#109

Doing fashion, this world, I am constantly reminded that looks will always trump my so call charm.

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#108

So what do u do if you forget to.buy toilet paper? You see it in a restaurant toilet and steal one.

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#107

Have just landed back into London. Either it was the extreme reluctance to be back at the school/ line up critique and showing off the awful garments I have or just the plain fact of not wanting to part ways with mom, I suddenly grew very oddly ill a couple of hours before going to the airport.

My stomach was tying into knots. Yet I couldn't poop. I felt slightly dizzy and I knew my head hurt like I had a fever.

The pain got much worst on the plane.

Trying to catch up on my sleep. I forced myself rid of.the remote control on the plane and.slept for the first 7 hour s straight. The next 5 hours were hell.

I have almost never gotten plane sick but I felt so dizzy trying to go back to bed. The chair felt like a plank of wood on my butt where there's the least meat. I kept waking up every 5 mins because of the pain.

I thought I had to ask for assistance at.one point. Then I told myself to snap out of it.

Well here I am.on the cab home with a hollowing headache everytime the cab bounces or stops abruptly.

Glad to be back.

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#106

From the last post I suppose it seems like I have lifted off and charted away from my usual insanity in London to elsewhere.

The lack of mobile internet has reduced my blogging significantly, but also because of the 14 hours minimum work days I have been putting in on my collection.

My mind boggles and rejects everything my hands touch. I loath and hate everything I made and then I hate myself for not ever been satisfied. I question if I have taste at all since I seem to hate everything I am doing. I get some good days, but they only help to further to solidify the fact that I am actually insane.

I definitely need a break, but do not see one coming anytime soon. So I will have to make one.