#86

Waking up late is such a bad feeling. The mixture and rush of self loath, regret, anxiety, and panic drives me nuts.

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#85

The extent of evil from my brain surpass and surprise even myself. When I tried to call Dirk and he didn't pick up.

My paranoid worry rat self would get thoughts like,' Oh no, maybe he had an heart attack."

And then suddenly out of nowhere I guess my evil / stressed self would think ,'Oh, maybe then I can have a reason why my work sucks... so I can give a sob story to my teachers...'

#84

When at a Korean house birthday party, you have to either :

1. Prepared to get completely drunk to.enjoy yourself

Or

2. Leave early

I left early.

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#83

Bring so overwhelmed, I called dirk while he was on the plane.

I said to him I was so over the edge that I am actually being kind to all the fabric assholes in shepherds bush. I even had a conversation with one of.them. I must be.over.compensating for my near.manic state.

I joke, " its like I am smiling and bring kind and I would go home and take a gun to take.myself.out."

Dirk s response, " I am getting the look on the plane hon. Will text u when I land. Love you"

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#82

Sitting next to pigeon poo and a take away bag of McDonald's for lunch. I contemplated how I spaz out at dirk and made it one of the worst leaving days we have had.

Walking him off to Liverpool station for his train to Holland, I held his hand despite the bad feeling between us. And I didn't want him to go. Because I feel that he has a string tied to me. And as he left he is pulling away that string that is keeping me together.

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#82

I know how this will make me sound like a hypochondriac, but I am convinced there is something wrong with my heart.

Every night I stay up pass 5am my heart starts hurting. I know others would think that considering I sleep when people are getting up, I had it coming. But I know I am just slow at school and I do need a magical hourglass to stop time.. or extra arms would be nice....

Anyways, after some much searching online, I have found that apparently , lack of sleep hardens the blood vessels in the heart, leading to strokes and heart attacks.

Having read.that I am still too reckless and have slept 4 hours last night and am determined to stay pass 5 am tonight... I worry my boyfriend with wake to find me dead on the pattern table, head flat and slammed against the wooden table. But oddly my heart didn't hurt today... as if its plotting....

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#81

Paranoid about dots and spots and lines on my body, I went to a dermatologist today.

After the initial how old are you? what do you do? (26, fashion design student)... the nursed checked over my concerns.

She used a futuristic magnifying device to look and measure all my moles, even the one on my toe, which I was impressed by the fact she dared to touch someone else's toe at 9am in the morning.

Then she told me to get completely undressed so she can check moles on the rest of my body to compare... and she said she wasn't joking...

So off I was in my underwear, and she asked, 'so who's your favourite designer?'