#136

The thing about going to the gay bar/event is that unless you aren't gay, or in a monogamous relationship, you are more likely than not out for tail(s). Despite myself belonging to the latter category, I still enjoy my sceneries.

However, what I am starting to notice is that more and more, when I see someone I find attractive, as in drop dead hot in my personal and unique definition, I feel only a mixture of shame and self loath.

How would a person like me ever EVER get with a person like that?

Its not that my type is particularly attractive, but they are definitely somewhat of a niche market. And although called often a pessimist in my circles, I still strongly acknowledge my keen self awareness. It is not delusional to believe even if single, I would never be with him, that guy, or even him. It is also not self fulfilling nor fatalistic, but rather a reality in which I am aware of and silently accept.

My mates think everyone in the bar feels like that, but me think we are just an unfortunately unattractive bunch.

#135

With the weather. And a first submission of the collection. And my parents here, London almost seem bearable ...

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#134

Having kin around has been slightly difficult. Watching dirty socks on dirty floors didn't encourage me to clean the house. And I built a resentment to be assumed the cleaner. But in reality I think he doesn't expect me to clean it but can actually live in such a mess. Only I can't stand it...

Shoes are progressing... slowly and surely.

Had a line up couple of days ago. Felt rubbish about the work but the teachers seemed to like it... so that gave me some confidence. But its confidence that quickly faded as I start thinking maybe they just really realise there is not much I can do to change it...

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#133

Going to mainland China for fabric shopping. On the bus is a gentle reminder of a cultural past.

The lady in front of me picked up her phone, if translated literally, ' why you said you are there when you are.not pretty girl? Fuck your cunt I tried to ring your cunt phone. Your mom. I didn't have anything important to say. I won't cock bother. Your cunt. Did you go back to your hometown? Fucking cunt....'

To be fair she was annoyed and she did tone down afterwards . But it wasn't a fight. It was just a conversation.

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#132

Finally back in London and have arrived with four large cases that encased my collection. I feel so nervous about my collection and unsure how it will be perceived.

I go through even stronger bouts of anger and pride. And having kin here now isn't going to help with his snappy insensitive comments. I will need to resist when holding pins, to use him as a human voodoo doll.

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#131

Been basically slaving away in Macao, sleeping 4 - 5 hours sleep every night. Trying to get the collection done, while simultaneously wanting to destroy it completely.

Despite the tiredness, I am still a jealous person. And hearing Ana getting into the RCA MA program brings the usual mixture of happiness and jealousy that I experience whenever I hear something good happening to someone else.

Its childish, silly, and selfish to think this way and it leads to try and find time in my busy day to google 'I am a jealous person'

#130

Asian parents are so weird. The family on the boat from HK to Macao - If the kid supposedly behaved badly, the father would threaten to throw the misbehaving 5 year old overboard. The kid, not traumatized, would simply respond ,'no please.'

To my delight, soon enough the kid, learned from his father, and threatened to throw him overboard.