Saturday 26 February 2011

#105

Cuz I never can tell when to chew or swallow...
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Friday 25 February 2011

#104

So I have never been good at being happy for someone else's success. And I am discovering I grow bitter and jealous inside even when my friends are blessed in ways that does that relate to me.

I often try to be a good person. But much of that is due to a fear of karma retribution. And I see Ana who can be nice and.mean. and I watch the world sail her way.

I often wonder if its my true internal self that is ultra jealous that is being judged and therefore I don't get as much opportunities?

Whereas other times I.think its because I am too nice and I have a sense of self.martyr tendency that brings me shit.

Then other times I think I am so busy being jealous I don't focus on myself...

And all these theories have been proven and I guess encouragements from your loved ones make little improvements because they love you.

I know I should be content and grow a set. But I m not sure if that just means stop caring and thinking so much about this bullshit.
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Thursday 24 February 2011

#103


So someone from school confessed to me how overwhelming the final project gets, and she took 4 kalms yesterday... Not knowing what Kalms is, I discover that it is actually, as the brand name so wit-fully indicate, 'calms you down'.

So I tried one dose today, and I have to say that it worked. Of course its mild, and I know it is probably psychological, but everytime I think about the pills, for some reason, it gave me a reason to stay calm.

Maybe because I now not only know, but is proven, that my state of mind is only a few synapses away from stress to relaxed, and if calmness can come in a box, I can just as easily relax my mind myself.

#102

There's about 100 unique chicken stores in London that imitates my beloved KFC.

Clearly have an obsession with fried chicken...
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Wednesday 23 February 2011

#101

Being a socially awkward internet nerd, I find myself completely retarded when going to the pub with people from school. I have no idea what to talk about and often feel embarrassed when talking about myself.

For one thing, we never talk much about ourselves, and when you do, you can see them reserving their true opinions to themselves. So you start thinking what they might be thinking, and get incredibly self conscious. Then worst yet, when they start talking about themselves, which is most of them (especially given the nature of the first explanation I have just provided) I just find myself thinking they are self obsessed arty students...

I know that the problem is me, and I am sure most of them are lovely. I guess I just need to realize that I have more of a problem with the social setting than the people..........

#100

'At Starbucks:

Barista: one caramel macchiato, anything else?

Me: yes I would like to use the washroom. Do you need to open the door?

Barista : no but if someone is in there you would have to wait a second.

Me: (silent)

Barista : maybe 2...
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Tuesday 22 February 2011

#99

So the government sent students an online survey to see how they enjoyed their collage experience. At the same time graduating students are selected for an interview about the course. Flawed, the students were selected through the tutor himself, so he can choose whoever the fuck he wants.

So I had to make the online survey really count.
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Monday 21 February 2011

#98

I have been looking at other people's blog through blogger, trying to read and comment so I can create some online connections through mutual interest in talking about yourself.

But the only thing I notice between all the blogs is that they all have been stopped. I guess like writing in a diary 'Dear Diary, I know I haven't written in months, but I promise I will start writing again...'

We all stop writing to no one on the internet. I hope I can manage.

Sunday 20 February 2011

#97



After much thinking about how music feels like it has lost the effect to change our lives these days, I was reminded of this when I rediscovered one of my old time favourites: Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews Band.

I thought about sending this to my good friend who studies with me in London. However, she is 21 and I strongly believe she has A.D.D. as I never witness her listen to a complete song with out doing something else.

The lyrics would scare her too. The intensity of the lyrics and its touch near crazy emphasizes the strength in desire and lust. And maybe I am just a drama queen, but it has been the perfect way to describe my virgin teenage lust a decade ago. But now days, after being in London and learning more about what is supposedly 'normal' people, it seems like not everyone appreciate bare soul exposing acts. And any indication of extreme feeling might appear to be 'odd'.

Friday 18 February 2011

#96

If I don't write about the stupidity that I see each day, maybe I will look back in ignorance and delight.
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Thursday 17 February 2011

#95

I hate how all my girlfriends have their period around the same time. I believe in male pms and I am now synced with the girls.

Today I have been anxious, depressed, paranoid, self conscious, self loathing, and angry at the rest of the world. But I don't know if this is because my trouser toile sucked, or whether this is indeed a pms - related symptom and will be cured from time.

#94

Chicken theft prevention.
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Wednesday 16 February 2011

#93

London is one of those places where you can order something, and wait past the number of days it is suppose to take to deliver to you and call them only to find out they apparently already tried to deliver it a couple of days ago.

And then you reschedule for a delivery which has a 12 hour window of 7 am - 7pm. And you wait past 7 pm to discover that they actually work till 9.30 pm latest for some delayed deliveries. So you continue to wait until 9.30 pass, and you are package-less, with the driver making a note on your file that they had attempted to deliver it already and I wasn't there.

Today is a day where I hate London more than usual.

#92


Romantic Movement

Seeing how its Valentines, I just picked up the fiction novel from Alain de Botton, about the only man on earth who knows how to calm me down. I just absolutely love the book because it is a love story told between a girl and a guy's perspective. Although (as love is) much of it can be a bit of a cliche in terms of characters, it is slotted with amazing philosophical insights... Which makes for the flexibility between a easy casual read or a thought provoking activity.


Sunday 13 February 2011

#91

Sundays are funny. Especially when all of us know the daunting weeks that are to come. Yet the four of us cling onto each other for dear life. Hoping that we can just somehow prolong each other's mini vacation.

I came home stressed about how little I accomplished today.

Saturday 12 February 2011

#90

Another drunken night and I finally tried some sad shit grade coke. It did nothing and beyond anything left me wondering what it really does.

Worst Ana s brother came into London from Cambridge for a concert. And is now stranded. The booze and fags did not help. Nor did Ana s spaz. Fair as I did tease her brother will be fine. But now he's lost in London.

Must be incoherent now. But definitely worth documenting this party in the warehouse of a resident.
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Thursday 10 February 2011

#89

The sleep schedule of the past few days were:

3 hours, 4 hours, 6 hours, 1 hour, 8 hours, 0 hours

and now I am completely exhausted and am well prepare to sleep... but am just waiting for my hair to dry while I can literally feel my insides fold up out of tiredness

Tuesday 8 February 2011

#88

Be prepared to celebrate mistress day!


#87

Have been discovering and confirming that when people meet me, they usually tend to dislike me at first. And then I turn them around slowly....

I guess one reason is because I am a bit full-on....

So I am sitting on my hands tonight and not calling anyone I know out of loneliness.

Monday 7 February 2011

#86

Waking up late is such a bad feeling. The mixture and rush of self loath, regret, anxiety, and panic drives me nuts.
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Sunday 6 February 2011

#85

The extent of evil from my brain surpass and surprise even myself. When I tried to call Dirk and he didn't pick up.

My paranoid worry rat self would get thoughts like,' Oh no, maybe he had an heart attack."

And then suddenly out of nowhere I guess my evil / stressed self would think ,'Oh, maybe then I can have a reason why my work sucks... so I can give a sob story to my teachers...'

Saturday 5 February 2011

#84

When at a Korean house birthday party, you have to either :

1. Prepared to get completely drunk to.enjoy yourself

Or

2. Leave early

I left early.
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#83

Bring so overwhelmed, I called dirk while he was on the plane.

I said to him I was so over the edge that I am actually being kind to all the fabric assholes in shepherds bush. I even had a conversation with one of.them. I must be.over.compensating for my near.manic state.

I joke, " its like I am smiling and bring kind and I would go home and take a gun to take.myself.out."

Dirk s response, " I am getting the look on the plane hon. Will text u when I land. Love you"
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#82

Sitting next to pigeon poo and a take away bag of McDonald's for lunch. I contemplated how I spaz out at dirk and made it one of the worst leaving days we have had.

Walking him off to Liverpool station for his train to Holland, I held his hand despite the bad feeling between us. And I didn't want him to go. Because I feel that he has a string tied to me. And as he left he is pulling away that string that is keeping me together.
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Wednesday 2 February 2011

#82

I know how this will make me sound like a hypochondriac, but I am convinced there is something wrong with my heart.

Every night I stay up pass 5am my heart starts hurting. I know others would think that considering I sleep when people are getting up, I had it coming. But I know I am just slow at school and I do need a magical hourglass to stop time.. or extra arms would be nice....

Anyways, after some much searching online, I have found that apparently , lack of sleep hardens the blood vessels in the heart, leading to strokes and heart attacks.

Having read.that I am still too reckless and have slept 4 hours last night and am determined to stay pass 5 am tonight... I worry my boyfriend with wake to find me dead on the pattern table, head flat and slammed against the wooden table. But oddly my heart didn't hurt today... as if its plotting....
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#81

Paranoid about dots and spots and lines on my body, I went to a dermatologist today.

After the initial how old are you? what do you do? (26, fashion design student)... the nursed checked over my concerns.

She used a futuristic magnifying device to look and measure all my moles, even the one on my toe, which I was impressed by the fact she dared to touch someone else's toe at 9am in the morning.

Then she told me to get completely undressed so she can check moles on the rest of my body to compare... and she said she wasn't joking...

So off I was in my underwear, and she asked, 'so who's your favourite designer?'